fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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