Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
