Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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