Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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