i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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