i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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