a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
