Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
