I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
