So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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