New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
