theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
