Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
