I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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