apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
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I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.