She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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