I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.