She's JV to your varsity
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills