There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
