I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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