yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
