FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
