dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
