she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
from now on my penis is your penis
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
