And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
