What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
