Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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