woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
