Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
