I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
