Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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