i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
