Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
