I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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