dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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