I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
