I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Randomize
