watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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