I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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