Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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