i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
