I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
