last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
