Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
