there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
