I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
