You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
