I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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