So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
