Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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