Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
