Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
