I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
