My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i've created a new STD.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
