The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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