you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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