In the future we'll all be gay
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
