So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
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The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
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Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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