I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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