it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
