I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She tied me up with her honor cords...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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