Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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