I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
