I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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