My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
