Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
