Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
